


[C] To Whom it May Concern

by OneofWebs



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Death, Cooking, F/M, Falling In Love, Flashbacks, Getting Together, Heavy Angst, Reminiscing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:55:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22466020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneofWebs/pseuds/OneofWebs
Summary: Levi remembered her death like he'd been there, and his biggest regret was that hehadn'tbeen there. All he could do for her, now, was remember. He could ensure that everyone would remember her. His letter would be addressed to no one, because he wasn't sure who he would send it to, but he would write it. He would write about her.
Relationships: Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 12





	[C] To Whom it May Concern

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ourloveisgone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ourloveisgone/gifts).



> I have not written attack on titan fanfic in YEARS and even the fanfic that i did write was never stuff that i posted. This was a wild blast from the past, and even for the morbid topic, I did really enjoy getting to work with this. Just some angst for all your angsty needs.

Levi didn’t know if she had any family. That didn’t mean that he shouldn’t write the letter, even if the letter would never go anywhere. It was for him, really. It was an easy way to sort things out without having to think about the fact that he would never _see_ Jenna again, or that he cared. Pretending not to care was so much easier than letting the feelings fester and realizing how empty and broken he felt without her. All he had left was some vague idea of what he’d put in this letter to no one and a pair of cracked glasses.

This was about the time when Jenna would have come into the room. Their room. The sun was falling over the horizon, and all that was left to light his misery was the lantern on his desk. Jenna would walk into the room and close the door tightly behind her, just to be safe. He could almost see it now, as it was somehow easier to look at than his empty parchment paper and his dying light.

 _Jenna walked from the door_ , having just clicked the lock. It wasn’t as if they were hiding this relationship; people knew. That didn’t mean it was something that they should flaunt, especially when details were considered. Levi was her superior, and yet, there they were: sharing a bedroom for the night. As they did every night. The night was coming quickly, too, and Levi was still poured over his desk and his papers and his _things_. There was never any time left over for the simple life.

“Can’t those reports wait?” Jenna asked, always a bit of bite to her voice. “Everyone else turned in hours ago.”

“That’s not true,” Levi scolded. He didn’t even look up at her.

“It might as well be. I swear, Levi, a titan could walk through this door and you’d be more concerned about those reports and manifests and whatever else it is you do.”

Levi grumbled and set down his pen. “Would you like to do it?” he asked, _swiveling in his chair to really look at her_.

Only, she wasn’t there. The corner by his door was dark and untouched, as if a fine dust had settled over the still air. Levi looked at that corner of his room for a long time and thought about what Jenna had told him, so long ago. She’d been right, really. He devoted so much of his time to his work, because once, it was all he had. He’d had friends, before. Family, even. If there was one thing that he’d learned from that it was what sort of pain a family wrought. He’d poured himself into his work because he could lose himself to that and feel nothing.

Jenna had never been particularly outgoing or friendly, but she did have that soft streak to her that Levi remembered. She wouldn’t ever insist that he go out and make nice with new recruits or officials or extra help, but she did insist that he put down his pen and his paper and join _her_ , every now and again. Even if they went no further than the hallway, it would still be walking. They would still be together. That’s all she really wanted, and Levi could stand to step away from his work to go with her.

Only, it wasn’t reports in front of him, anymore. Someone could have walked through his door to give him one, and he wouldn’t take it. He wouldn’t look at it. All he cared about was this empty piece of parchment, his letter that would be addressed to no one. If he could find the strength to write it, maybe it wouldn’t even be a letter. A story, perhaps. Levi didn’t consider himself any sort of storyteller, but if there was one person that he could tell a story about, it would have had to have been Jenna.

There was so much to tell and so little space to tell it in. He had this one piece of parchment; he’d have to write small, but if he thought about it like a recollection of facts, he could surely make do. Facts were things that he could do, because facts were easy and detached. If, somewhere, somehow, something else slipped through in the writing, then that was just something he would face at a later date. There was too much going on for him to really know how to sort through it any other way. The only way to move past it was to remove it and put it in a form he could deal with: words.

He addressed the piece of parchment in tiny letters at the top. Levi could hear Jenna, talking in the back of his mind, like a bone-rattling whisper, to tell him how silly that was. He didn’t know if it was even a letter; it could have just been a memoir about his time with Jenna’s memory. Even then, if that’s all it would be, it would still very much concern him as something to read, reread, and read again. To savor. It would be all that remained of a once proud Jenna; Levi might even see to have her glasses fixed.

Levi met Jenna what seemed like a lifetime ago. The sun had been in much the same position, though it hadn’t quite gone dark. Jenna was out on her own, struggling with even the most basic concepts during her training. They couldn’t afford to be picky when it came to who they allowed into the Survey Corps. Even if they weren’t the best with their gear, the numbers were important. Jenna didn’t have to have some innate ability to prance around with gas and swords; she just had to have the ability to learn.

If someone would have told Levi he would have seen a helpless new recruit trying her best to get the hang of something he’d always found so simple, on her own, he would have laughed. But there he was, watching her struggle with the straps and harnesses, frustrated with herself. He remembered being stricken with something there. She was tall, over a head taller than Levi was. Her hair was this long, brown glossed waterfall. Then, when she turned to face him, he was left with nothing to look at but these big glasses sitting right on the edge of her nose. Levi might have even laughed.

“Wh-what are you doing here?” Jenna gawked. “Are you here to laugh at me, like everyone else?”

Levi shook his head. He hadn’t so much as cracked a smile at her, but he did fold his arms and lean against the building he stood beside.

“Well then, what!? Everyone else is out there calling me titan fodder, you know? Sucks.”

Levi snorted. “They’re right, aren’t they? You can’t even get the gear on, how are you going to use it to battle titans? That’s always the dream.”

Jenna frowned. “And you must be so good at it, right?”

That was what had Levi raising his eyebrows. Jenna didn’t _know_ him. It wasn’t entirely unusual, but more and more, Levi was being recognized for his talents and exploits outside the walls. A master of the gear and a master titan slayer. He had his team behind him, but he was the face of it all. This new recruit, though. She didn’t seem to know him, at all. Something about that left him feeling comfortable in her presence. He didn’t have to _be_ anyone in the face of someone who didn’t know him.

“I like to think I am,” he replied, steadily. “Maybe you’d like some help?”

Jenna’s hands faltered on her gear. “Wait, you mean that? Like—actual help? Not all the jeering, right? Let me tell you, the next person who tries to call _me_ unskilled—”

“Let’s save the theatrics,” he suggested.

Jenna grew a dopey smile right there on her face. “Stick in the mud, huh?” she laughed.

If it had been anyone else who said that, Levi might have thought so low as to strike them. But those others would have known who he was. Here, he had approached Jenna in casual wear, and she didn’t recognize him for anything but another person. That was a nice, relaxing change of pace. Levi even didn’t mind rolling his shoulders out and reveling in it. He wouldn’t smile. He wouldn’t grin. But he could let down the pretense for a while. At that moment, he didn’t have to be Levi. He could just be anyone, and he couldn’t imagine being someone who walked away from Jenna.

She had an air about her. Something about her feelings, her joy and her bite, was just contagious. Levi felt himself drawn to her in a way that he’d never been drawn to someone before, and that’s why he hadn’t left. Levi never once imagined he’d so readily be available to help someone learn the basics, and yet there he was, walking out to meet her. She didn’t even seem aware of what she did, but she welcomed Levi’s help _gladly_.

That was only the first time that Levi had gone off to help her train. The first session had been such an enjoyable time, even if Levi wouldn’t so readily admit that to himself, that he offered to do it again. And again. He couldn’t count how many times they met to work, and often, they met twice in one day. Levi might have even thought to ignore his own responsibilities to ensure that he could meet with her. The only issue was how little promise she seemed to show as a capable fighter, but the Survey Corps needed more than just fighters.

Levi recounted the first time she ever missed a meeting in that open field, for training. He’d been angry, if he were telling the truth. After all that time, he’d not only come to openly enjoy his futile attempts to teach her better, but to look forward to the moments they shared. Jenna had missed this one. The bad weather should have been no excuse, as he’d already explained that the missions they would be sent on didn’t care if the weather was bright and sunny or thundering. She needed to learn to get used to the uncomfortable feeling of wet clothes against her skin.

Levi searched for her with a bit more haste than he might have intended. He knew there was no way that she would be _dead_ —they’d gone on no missions, as of yet. That didn’t erase the past of conditioned responses: what it usually meant when someone didn’t show up. Really, he should have known better than to mess about the camp in the way that he did, because Jenna was in no danger, at all. These buildings were some of the safest places she could be, and she was entirely safe.

Jenna was in the kitchen, of all places, looking a bit peach when Levi stepped in to find her. She was wearing one of those fine white aprons, messed with food splatter, and waiting by a large cauldron. Their eyes had met, and Jenna’s face only seemed to turn a darker shade of red. Levi was sure he’d imagined that.

“I’ve been looking for you,” he said, gruffly, upon his approach.

“I missed our time, didn’t it?” Jenna grumbled in response. She folded her arms around her middle and pouted, right there in front of him.

Levi couldn’t stay angry, even if that was the look his face tended to default to. “It would seem so, but the cause smells worthy enough.”

Jenna snorted. “Was that a joke?” she asked.

By now, she knew exactly who Levi was. She knew that he was a famed titan slayer and that he was her superior. It’d changed nothing between them, and Levi had asked that it would change nothing between them. As long as they weren’t on official, professional business, then they were _friends_. Levi had actually used the term, and the way Jenna’s eyes had lit up had been magical. She hadn’t shouted or cheered or done anything over the top extraordinary with her response, but her eyes had been like stars, and Levi missed them.

Levi just shook his head and huffed.

“My mother taught me to cook, you know,” Jenna said. “Maybe you’d like to share a meal with me today? We can skip training once, right? It’s not like I’m very good,” she laughed.

“You’re getting better.”

“Please, don’t lie for my feelings. Might as well change my name to _Miss Titan Fodder_ at this point, but I’m getting to grips with that.”

Levi raised an eyebrow.

“Besides, I can help in all sorts of ways. Why don’t you go out and sit a table?” she asked in such a way that said it was not a suggestion, but a demand. “I’ll bring out something for us to share.”

Something for them to _share_. That just sounded like all sorts of lovely. This was time Levi had set aside, already, to be with Jenna. Changing the activity of the day wasn’t something that would kill him, and it’d been awhile since he’d had something good to eat. The food was fine, but there was a difference between food for survival and food for fun. Jenna wanted to cook him something. Jenna wanted to eat that something with him. Levi wasn’t going to be the one to ruin her plans.

He waited for her, at a table where they would be alone, just as she’d asked. He’d noticed one funny thing about Jenna; even with her braveness, her jokes, and her bite, she was never quite the same around a large group of people. Levi didn’t blame her; _he_ wasn’t quite the same around a large group of people. He liked to eat by himself, to work by himself, and to train by himself. He enjoyed his friends, but it was so much easier to stay away.

He should have stayed away from Jenna.

Then, she brought out this beautiful meal. A hot, steaming soup the likes of which that Levi hadn’t seen in years. Maybe it lacked proper meat, but it looked hearty and warm. Jenna sat down across from him, after laying out his bowl in spoon in front of him, and then watched him. If they’d been alone, she would have properly laughed at him for the way that he was staring at the soup. Out here, where there were people who could see her and think things of her, she just grinned a silly grin.

“Never seen soup before?” she bit.

“Not like this,” Levi replied, his eyes on her. He’d been expecting a retort, and none ever came.

If someone had told Levi, at that moment, where he and Jenna were silently eating soup in one another’s presence, perfectly content to be in the stunned silence, that Jenna cared about him more than she cared about the other members of the Survey Corps, Levi wouldn’t have believed them. In hindsight, though, he figured that that had been the moment where Jenna _realized_ that she cared. Levi was still arguing and wrestling with himself. The last time he cared about people, it hadn’t ended too well.

Levi rested for a moment to clear his head. He set his pen to the side and rubbed his hands over his face, sighing. His light was dying, but the story had to continue. There wasn’t all the time in the world to sit down and write things like this. As such, this had been the only time he’d done it. He had to go until it was finished, or he feared that he would never finish. There hadn’t been time for this when his team died, and he still hadn’t gotten to give them the burial they deserved.

Something about Jenna’s death seemed ironic. They had chosen to throw bodies off the carts—Petra’s, Auruo’s, Eld’s, and Gunther’s. They were fleeing, and the weight only slowed them down. Even without that choice, even without Levi’s _being there_ , he still wouldn’t get to bury the bodies of those he cared about. All he had was her glasses, and that was all he would ever have of her. He feared the moment that all of his memories turned to sour ash in his mind. He would lose them, then.

There were a lot of details Levi didn’t remember. They would come to him later, and he would feel a fool for forgetting them, but this letter wasn’t about preserving the facts, was it? Levi had to come to terms with that. This wasn’t about documenting the life of Jenna, member of some trainee squad, inducted to the Survey Corps at some odd time. This was about remembering the fact that he cared about her. That he _missed_ her. She’d never been very open, but within this closed off room, Jenna was alive with that care.

He would have to write faster than the dying light. Preserve him, if he could not finish the story now, he feared he would forget it.

Whatever stupid rush of courage had fled through Levi was something that he wished he had more of. There was a difference in having the courage to face a titan and having the courage to face someone he cared about, but he’d had both, in that moment. If there had been another soul in the room but him and Jenna, he was sure that he would have lost all nerve. They were alone, as it were, which meant that there would be no one around to see the great Levi bumbling over himself like a love-struck fool.

Really, he was too old to be acting like that, but something about it felt freeing. Jenna wouldn’t laugh at him, even if she dropped jokes in stride. She never said anything truly hurtful, not to him. He could stumble over his own words for weeks, and Jenna would wait there patiently for him to figure out what he was going to say. At least, he hoped she would sit and listen. He’d tried to do most of the bumbling in his room, entirely alone, in hopes that he wouldn’t be so nervous for the real thing.

And yet, Levi always found that he was capable of surprising no one but himself.

“You wanted to talk?” Jenna asked, a wiry grin on her face. “That usually involves talking, doesn’t it? Words that are exchanged from person to person?”

“I know what talking is,” Levi responded in kind, but his bit was weaker. “I’m trying to figure out how to say this.”

“Oh, alright then. I always find it’s easier to just say things, you know? Easier to mess up the first time than it is to spend years trying to sort out what to say, only to still get it wrong.”

“That makes sense,” Levi frowned. He took in a deep breath and mustered what courage he still had. “Jenna,” her name like a breath, “I care about you.”

“See, that wasn’t so hard—wait,” she stopped. “You _care_ about me?”

Levi nodded.

“Like—like what? Like you care about your team? Like you care about fighting titans?”

Levi shook his head. “No, nothing like that. I care about _you_. As in, I’d hope to be with you.”

Jenna just blinked. For a long moment, there was nothing but silence. Levi had been sure that she was going to turn him down, but it was nothing of the sort. Instead, he’d blindsided her. She would tell him this later in quite a hilarious conversation where Jenna had been sure their _talk_ wasn’t going to end well. Instead, Levi had granted all of her wishes and each of her dreams. All it had taken was one sentence, and she just hadn’t been sure of how to process it, at the time.

Eventually, when that silence found its end, it was only because Jenna would follow her own advice. It was easier to get it wrong the first time than think about her words for too long. She’d said that, knowing Levi, if she had waited too long to speak, he would have left. This moment would have never happened.

“I care about you, too,” she said. It was the weakest her voice had ever sounded, but never more beautiful.

Their hands had pressed together, fingers intertwined, and for a moment there was a world around them that didn’t live and die on the whims of mindless, strength-ridden creatures. For a moment, it was the two of them, together, and that was all that mattered.

Levi struggled to write what happened next, but just three days later, they had stood out underneath a tree as the sun was beginning to rise. He’d kissed her, and that was all he cared to say.

Might Levi have hoped to marry her one day, in a world without the titans. It didn’t matter, because that was a future untold and unseen. He would not find solace in a future he couldn’t have, with a woman he couldn’t see. Jenna had been his everything, in a time where the world was set on taking. She was the one thing he didn’t want to give up, the one thing he wanted to keep to himself above all costs. If the world had ever been kind, once, to Levi, he would have wanted to fill the last remaining inches of parchment paper with how he’d taken Jenna back to that tree where they’d kissed and asked for her hand.

The world was a cruel pace, and Levi’s hand trembled as he began to write the final story in Jenna’s ledger.

It was the first mission Jenna had been sent out on as a part of her own squad. Very few made the cut for Levi’s squad, and as much as Jenna wanted to, they both knew she wasn’t nearly skilled enough. That had placed her under a different command with different people, and they’d been sent out for something that should have been simple. They would go out, get what they needed, and return. Levi was looking forward to that return. He’d been left in a constant state of fear since she first left, and that fear would not be quelled until she was home, again, and in his arms.

They were supposed to have been home by sunset. Levi waited. He remembered waiting far longer than anyone else had waited, to see them home. Well after sunset, well into the night. He was a fool. He’d been nothing but a fool to think that things would be easy. The mission _sounded_ easy, but he should have known that it meant nothing. Things sounded easy all the time and ended with death, regardless. Still, he’d waited until he could wait no more.

He’d been even stupider, come morning, when everyone was awake with excitement. Their mission had just been delayed, but someone had seen them on the return! They were coming back. They were just late. Levi had heard that and assumed the best possible outcome. He’d never dressed faster, nor had he ever rushed out to greet a returning mission like that. But that was Jenna coming home—or it should have been. He had it all played out in his mind, living on the rush of thinking her alive. He’d take her hands into his and pull her down to kiss him, even if it meant doing it in front of the entire Survey Corps.

Only, Jenna wasn’t there.

Levi looked for her, and she wasn’t there.

The members of her squad that had returned were bruised, beaten, with horror etched into their eyes. It was a look that Levi remembered well and a look that he would never forget. One among them, a short girl with braided hair, had stepped up to meet him where no one would. It was a painful reminder that Levi and Jenna had never hid what they were, just left their private moments to behind closed doors and off on the hillside, under their tree.

“Levi, sir,” she spoke, timidly. And really, what more did she have to say? Still, she swallowed and choked around: “I’m sorry.”

Levi knew, then, all at once, what had happened. Even before the girl had produced Jenna’s glasses, Levi knew that Jenna was dead. The moment had been a strange one, where he wanted to be angry. He’d told her that she needed to talk to Hanji for something to secure her glasses more readily to her face. They’d fallen off countless times in training, and they would fall off on the field, too. He knew that was stupid to be angry about. But it was so much easier to think of that, holding her glasses in his hands.

He remembered bumping them with his nose, the first time they’d kissed.

“How?” Levi asked, though he couldn’t recall moving his lips or hearing his voice. Only that he’d known he’d asked.

“Eaten, sir,” the girl replied. “We all saw it. It was—”

“Horrible,” Levi filled in. It always was.

Levi set down his pen and scrubbed at his eye, trying to keep the peskier things of being a human away. He missed Jenna, and his letter was a testament to how much he missed her. Maybe one day, if he survived the long road ahead of them, he would write a book of all the people he’d ever known and lost. He’d dedicate it to her, to Jenna. There were so many people that he’d known where it felt as though he would be the only one to remember them, long after their families had died.

Jenna would be no different. Levi would remember her. He would have her glasses fixed and keep them on his nightstand, only to hope that they wouldn’t keep him up at night. Night had already fallen, and his lantern was down to its last bit of oil. He needed to find his way to bed. Jenna would not be his downfall, but a reminder of why he had to keep going. If he ever hoped to tell the world about what he’d seen, he would have to survive. There were so many stories, and he refused to let them die in the Survey Corps.

“You’re awfully dramatic,” Jenna said, laughing. She leaned against his desk with her arms crossed, looking down at his paper.

“I find it keeps me alive,” Levi drawled back.

“Oh, very heroic of you. I find sleep kept me alive. Sleep and a nice bowl of soup.”

Levi looked up to the space where she should have been and smiled anyway. Sleep and a nice bowl of soup sounded exactly like what he needed.

Jenna had always kept a box under the bed, full of little things that belonged to her. Levi knew about it, but he’d never pried for it. It wasn’t his business to peer into things that weren’t his; as long as Jenna didn’t offer, he wouldn’t ask. Jenna wasn’t there anymore, and even if Levi didn’t feel as though he had the strength to go through her things, something about the thought of a nice bowl of soup was leading him to that box. His letter to no one and his dying lantern were left abandoned on the desk.

Inside of the little box were just as she’d said: little things and trinkets that belonged to her. He paid no mind to the personal items, as he didn’t have the mind left to wonder why they were left in a dusty old box. Instead, he reached to the bottom of the box where he found a yellowing little card with badly scrawled handwriting. Levi smiled. It was a recipe for soup, written hastily by someone who feared it would be forgotten. He’d make it, come the morning, and wonder what it might taste like with little bits of pork.

**Author's Note:**

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